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The Most Wrong Gundam Wing Parody Ever Written
Written By Neko Athena^o,o^
Rating: PG-13 (mild language, mild violence, fundamentally immoral and ‘wrong’ fic)
WARNING!!!! Written while under extreme duress from life in general. Surprisingly, no angst. Just insanity. If you know a doctor who could help, it would be greatly appreciated. Send any and all referrals to the email address below.
Comments, Rants, Etc.: neko_athena@hotmail.com
Check out her site: NA's Pet Shop of Horrors

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^-,-^(+) “Alrighty, people. This is it. I’ve hit a new low. You might think I’m exaggerating when I say this is going to be the most WRONG Gundam Wing fic ever. You might agree AFTER you read it, though. Actually, to say this is just wrong isn’t really an accurate description of how utterly insane and logic-defying it is. There aren’t enough words for ‘crazy’ out there to describe the wrongness of it. Are you frightened yet? You ought to be. Because this is a Gundam Wing parody starring the characters of Space Ghost Coast to Coast. I know, I know... it’s wrong. But I did it anyway. Why? Because I enjoy torturing the characters of Gundam Wing, writing for the characters of SGC2C, and I have become certain in the last few days that I am experiencing my first, official nervous breakdown and mid-life crisis, and I have yet to turn 19. If I live to see 50, that will DEFINITLY kill me. Anyway, this is a parody of the whole Heero/Zechs dueling thingy that went on throughout the series, focusing on the episode where Noin brought Relena to stop the match in Antarctica and we learn that she and Zechs are siblings. But, basically, it parodies the whole show.”

°\° “Just one question, NA. HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU COME UP WITH THIS??!!??”

^~,~^ “Uh, well... you and Zechs have the same... initials?”

®\®;;;;;;;;;;;;

^-,-^;; “Y’know, Zechs Marquise, Zorak Mantis? Oh, well. Here’s the insanity, unfiltered, unadulterated, and uncensored. Have fun, Kiddies!!! It’s the ARMAGEDDON!!!! NYA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!!!!!”

cast for parody:

Heero Yuy: Space Ghost

*Hero Ghosty*

Relena Peacecraft: Brak

*Whine-ia PieceBrak*

Zechs Marquise: Zorak Mantis

*Zorak Mantís* (accent on the ‘tís’, “teese”)

Trieze Khushrenada: Moltar

*Moltar Khushrelava*

Lady Une: Tanzit

*Lady Tanzit*

Lurcrezia Noin: Lokar

*Lokartzia Nnoying*

DISCLAIMER: Don’t own Gundam Wing, Space Ghost, or a fully-functioning brain. Wish I did, though, especially that last one. Could come in handy......... Now, the question is, do I even WANT to claim this fic??? I guess somebody’s got to be responsible for this mess, it might as well be me. Go ahead, I DARE you to sue me Sotsu and Sunrise. Be my guest, Cartoon Network and Hanna-Barberra. I laugh at your pathetic attempts to squeeze blood from a turnip. NYA-HA-HA!!!!

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::One day in AC195, Hero Ghosty was sitting at his trusty laptop, when a mission came in. His orders were clear: destroy the evil base of the sinister ZO, and eliminate its ruthless leader, Moltar Khushrelava.::

Hero “Um... okay! I think that sounds like fun!”

::He rushes out to his trusty mobile suit (which resembles a giant robot Ultraman) and blasts off for the ZO base.::

~*MEANWHILE, AT THE ZO BASE*~

::General Moltar Khushrelava is having a crappy day. Sitting in his plush office at the evil base of the sinister ZO organization, he is going over the depressing statistics from the latest battle. And to top it all off, his sandy blonde toupee keeps melting against his helmet!::

Moltar “Gun-dammit!!! These freakin’ kids are screwing up my plans for galactic domina—ah, I mean, world peace. Hey, yo, Lady Tanzit, send in the Lieutenant! I need him to do me a favor.”

Lady Tanzit (with glasses and fake buns glued to helmet) “You mean the, uh... Lone Mantis of the Apocalypse?”

Moltar “Uh.... yeah... is that what he’s calling himself, now?”

Lady Tanzit “Something like that.”

Moltar “Okay, well... send in the Lone Mantis of the Apocalypse, then.”

Lady Tanzit “Uh, sure thing, boss.”

::Lady Tanzit tries to make her way toward the office door, running into and knocking over everything between General Khushrelava’s desk and the door. Finally, she makes it.::

Lady Tanzit “Stupid glasses, can’t see spit—“

::She opens the door and yells down the hall.::

Lady Tanzit “HEY, SOMEBODY GO GET LIEUTENANT MANTÍS!!!”

::After a few moments, the Lone Mantis appears at the door. Dressed in a fine green uniform, and sporting a long blonde wig that hangs past his butt, Lieutenant Zorak Mantís looks rather dashing for a seven-foot alien praying mantis. The General dismisses Lady Tanzit and motions for Zorak to take a seat. He does so, kicking his black-booted feet up on the desk and reclining comfortably.::

Moltar “All right, bud. We’ve been friends forever, so let’s get straight to the point. Letter 1, you have been disobeying my orders about dueling with that stupid Nugmad pilot Hero Ghosty. Number B, you took the mobile suit Rock Lobster without my consent and got it royally screwed up. Item Last, that haircut is SO not military standard. Bottom line here, you’re messing up my plans just about as much as the good guys. What do you gotta say about all this?”

Zorak “*yawns* Eh, you’re plans are boring. I need to get my kicks. Besides, we’re the bad guys, we’re all gonna get blasted before the stupid show is over, especially me. So, I’m gonna have some fun while I can. Besides—“ flashes bambi-eyes “I know YOU won’t stop me.”

Moltar “*sigh* Whatever. Anyway, I called you in here because I’ve gotten some intelligence—“

Zorak “S’about time.”

Moltar “*growls* Some intelligence REPORTS that tell me Hero Ghosty has been ordered to destroy this base at 15:00 today.”

Zorak “Great, that gives us all of twelve minutes to live...”

Moltar “I think you oughta finish your duel now. That way, if ya kill ‘im, point for us. If he fries you, you’re outta my hair. But, hey, try to die with a little dignity, ‘k?”

Zorak, stands “Thanks, pal, you really know how to raise a condemned bug’s self esteem.”

::After a very profane ‘salute’, Zorak Mantís stalks out to suit up in the Rock Lobster. The General returns to his quiet brooding, adjusting his toupee.::

~*AND NOW, ENTER OUR HERO... or, at least, A HERO*~

::The stealthy, state-of-the-art Nugmad Ultra swoops in and lands effortlessly in the giant barren wasteland near the sinister ZO’s evil base. A few seconds later, Hero Ghosty fades in to view on top of its head, ignoring the high-tech equipment within to scan visually for the enemy. In the distance, a red mobile suit begins to close in on his location.::

Hero “Oh, boy!! Another round with the Arthropod!!! I’m gonna show him a thing or two, this time!! VICTORY FOR ME!!!”

::Hero fades back inside his Nugmad and prepares to face the villain head on.::

///////////////////////// INSERT OLD FIGHT MONTAGE OF ULTRAMAN BATTLING A GIANT RED LOBSTER \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

::Suddenly, the heated battle is interrupted by the arrival of a large pink shuttle. Standing at the door, with a cute fuzzy pink scarf, is Whine-ia PieceBrak, the Queen of the Universe. She is holding a yellow handkerchief. As the shuttle stops, she throws it into the air between the two mobile suits.::

Whine-ia “FOUL!!!! *chuckle* I always wanted ta do that!”

::Behind her, her friend, Lokartzia Nnoying smacks her purple-wigged forehead in exasperation.::

Lokartzia “You fool!! Can’t you even remember your lines?”

Whine-ia “Um... no, not really. What am I s’posed to say?”

Lokartzia “Oh, here, you bloody dense creature!!!”

::Lokartzia shoves a script at the inept ruler and sighs. After a few moments, Whine-ia looks up at the two waiting mobile suits.::

Whine-ia “Oh yeah, now I r’member!!”

::She takes a deep breath, then screams into a pink bullhorn in a very high-pitched girly-type voice.::

Whine-ia “HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! COME AND KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILL MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!”

::The Ultra Nugmad’s hands fly to its hypersensitive listening receptors. Now fully disabled, Hero Ghosty fades into view on his Nugmad’s head, again, holding his own ears.::

Hero “Great Gobs of Greasy, Grimy, Gopher Guts!!! What is wrong with you, woman?!?”

Whine-ia, into bullhorn in girly-voice “YOU’VE GOT TO STOP FIGHTING THIS LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBSTER!!!!! IT MIGHT BE AN ENDANGERED SPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!!!!”

::Lokartzia proceeds to bang her head against the inner hull, trying to block out the pinkness and stupidity of the Queen. At that point, mobile suit also disabled, Lieutenant Zorak Mantís crawls out of what might be the Rock Lobster’s nose and ascends to its head. He shakes his fist angrily at the intruder.::

Zorak “I’m no endangered species, Girly-man!!! HE’S the one who’s in danger... of me kickin’ his peace-lovin’ carcass!!!”

Whine-ia, into bullhorn in girly-voice “HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!!! THAT’S NOT VERY NICE!!! I CHANGED MY MIND!!! HERO, YOU BEAT UP THIS BIG MEANIE REAL GOOD!!!!”

Lokartzia, shouting out the shuttle door “YES, PLEASE, DO US ALL A FAVOR AND OFF THAT FELONIOUS FEIND!!!!”

::Uh....... Lokartzia obviously hit her head a little too hard, because she has momentarily forgotten her lines and the undying love and passion she harbors for the Lone Mantis of the Apocalypse.::

Lokartzia “I REFUSE to show that... imbecile any form of civility!!! It is beneath my principles!”

::Suddenly, the fuselage begins to leak inside the pink shuttle. The rivulets of HIGHLY FLAMMABLE liquid drip closer and closer to a nearby wire which has been mysteriously torn from the wall and is sparking dangerously. Meanwhile, Lokartzia tries to come to her senses.::

Lokartzia “Gun-dam you, author-girl! *sighs* FINE. *deadpan* Oh, no, Miss PieceBrak, don’t say such things. You don’t realize, but that Zorak Mantís is, in reality, Mantíso PieceBrak, your older brother.”

::Suddenly, the leaking fuel and live wire disappear, transported by a ripple in the space-time continuum to the land of Loose Change and Matching Socks. Whine-ia digests the information.::

Whine-ia, into bullhorn in girly-voice “*GASP* You gotta be kiddin’ me...”

Zorak “Uh... Come again? Have you lost your mind? I am a seven-foot alien praying mantis and Whine-ia is... a... not. How in the rings of Saturn are we related?!?”

Lokartzia “Oh, shut up, you sorry excuse for a mandibulate!!! Just go along with the story so we can get this whole charáde over with!!! The sooner, the better, then I can escape this vapid Queen Pinkcrap!!!”

Zorak “*sigh* Whatever...”

Whine-ia, still using bullhorn “HEY, NOW, IT’S NOT MY FAULT THAT BLACK HOLE THINGY MADE ME STUPID!!!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!! *cries*”

Lokartzia “Ohhhhhhhhhhh... my ears..... bleeding..... pain.... *faints*”

Zorak “*evil laughter* At least you got what you deserved, Miss LOKARTZIA NNOYING. Don’t have to wonder where YOUR name came from.....”

Hero “Wait a minute, I’m the Hero here, how come I got such a small part?”

::Just then, the unstable Negative-One system installed in the Nugmad Ultra begins to take its toll on young Ghosty. Suddenly, he snaps, raising his arm blaster.::

Hero “It’s all YOUR fault, Blondie!!!”

Zorak “Oh, no... not again...”

*/*/*/*/*KABLOOIE*\*\*\*\*

::The high-intensity laser fries poor Zorak Mantís to a crisp. Coughing from the smoke radiating from his own flesh, he slowly slides off the Rock Lobster’s head and into the snow below. Thus satisfying his homicidal urges, Hero Ghosty flies off for a cappuccino. Lokartzia Nnoying is still unconscious, and Miss PieceBrak continues to wail into the bullhorn.::

~*SOMEWHERE ELSE, IN ANOTHER DIMENSION*~

::Moltar wakes up at his console backstage at the Coast to Coast set. He shakes his head, trying NOT to remember the horrifying dream. Zorak passes by on his way to the prison pod, stopping to chat with his evil cohort.::

Zorak “Yo, Lavaman, you look like crap. Want some coffee?”

Moltar “No way, man!! That’s probably the stuff that gave me such a tripped-out nightmare!! What do you put IN that crap, anyway?”

Zorak “Well...”

Moltar “Never mind, I don’t wanna know.......”

::Zorak shrugs and heads toward the stage to prepare for the night’s torture called “talk show.” It is then Moltar notices his long, pale wig...::

Moltar “Oh, Gods..... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!”

*{THE END}*

 

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